Friday

First Page Blogfest

This blogfest, hosted by Kelly Lyman, appears to be a popular one! Lots of fellow bloggers signed up to post their first page.

I've blogged before about how many times I've changed my opening. This is my current (and most likely to go out to the trenches) first page. Genre: romantic suspense.

*snip removed by blog owner*

52 comments:

Piedmont Writer said...

Oh yeah, I like this one. I sort of remember the other one but I like this one. Especially with
the hook up front and the one down bottom. double zinger.

Falen said...

oooh! Great hook!

sarahjayne smythe said...

Hee! You already know how much I like this. :) Really great hook.

laurel said...

I really love the voice here, Tara. I immediately care about her because of it. Nicely done.

Portia said...

Very intense, and a great last line to end your first page on. Definitely keeps you reading ...

Tara said...

Thanks Anne and Falen. The hook is one of the two main things that are SO worrisome, so always nice to hear mine works.

Sarajayne - Notice I agreed with your suggestion, too ;)

Laurel - The other worrisome thing is voice - yea! I'm thrilled to hear that :) Especially since I didn't think there was any voice until the next Thing that Happens in th park!

Tara said...

Thank you, Portia!

Christine Danek said...

I really like this. I'm wanting to read on so you have me hooked.
Great job!

Donna Hole said...

Duntdada . .

Yeah, I'm feeling creeped out by him; and I'm liking the cliff hanger about the parents.

I've gotten a real sense of your MC and the setting here. Nice job.

.........dhole

Jemi Fraser said...

I really like the last line - it would definitely keep me turning the page :) Nicely done!

Summer said...

Whoa, I almost missed the hook because it was sitting on top of other text. Glad I always read the comments!

Awesome job! Perfect level of suspense to build up to that hook.

Whitney Henderson said...

Very nice opening... I like the hook and I want to know more! I'd take that book home with me. :)

Tara said...

Thanks ladies :)

Summer, I know - I can't figure out how to add space below the last line. I always enter 3 times after typing it. It's driven me nuts since I started blogging - along with the same problem above the 1st line!

roxy said...

Way to go, Tara. I'm nervous for this character now. Great first page full of tension combined with a likable protagonist. I love this blogfest.

Laura Pauling said...

I could feel the tension and would be totally nervous if I were her. Maybe start with the second paragraph? And you've already got a great hook with this creepy stalker guy, so the last line about her parents having vanished felt like a different story all together. But great writing! I would definitely read on.

Courtney Barr - The Southern Princess said...

yes! ooooohh... I would love to learn more about this character!

Visit My Kingdom Anytime!

Shelley Sly said...

You certainly know how to hook! I'm with the others -- I care about Kasia only a few paragraphs in, and I'm beyond curious about what happens to her. Well done!!

DL Hammons said...

Slam dunk! I'm hooked with the last line and the writing leading up to that did a very good job of creating tension. Great job!!

Tara said...

Wow everyone, thanks so much. I'm at that point where every time I read through the MS, I think: Ugh, this reeks. Curse you, novel.

Laura - I see what you're saying, but I think the 2nd half of this scene would clear things up a good bit as to why it's in this order, and certain things are mentioned this way ;) Her parents vanishing, and the circumstances around it, is the reason for her paranoia. And the guy she thinks is stalking her here is nothing comapred to the one she, literally, runs into on the next page...

Nisa said...

I love that first paragraph! I really want to find out more about the character just from that. And the rest is good too. :)

Laura Canon said...

Very dramatic. I'd read more.

Natalie Murphy said...

Ooo very good! I'd keep reading =)

Kelly Lyman said...

Oh- creepy. I wanted her to get out of there now, or ask the other girls if she can join them! Great job- I want to keep reading for sure. Thanks for participating.

Susan Fields said...

Yes - awesome first page! Wonderful voice, lots of suspense - I want more!

Charity Bradford said...

Great job! Being a runner I was sucked in immediately by the anxiety of strangers on your route. I know that feeling and your choice of words did a great job pulling them out.

Elaine AM Smith said...

What a cliffhanger ending! Well done, Tara.

M.R.J. Le Blanc said...

Nice opener, it piqued my interest :)

Crystal Cook said...

Oooh great job! So much suspense! And the last line, just perfect :)

Julie said...

This is a super great hook. I just love it!

Dawn Simon said...

Nice hook! Great job! :)

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Very tense - I love it! :-)

sally apokedak said...

Really nice! Very creepy.

I'm hoping the guy in the red hoodie is really a nice guy who is going to help her.

To add space below your text go into you html editor (does blogger let you edit html) and add < BR > for every line you want to add. Only take out the space in front of the B and the space after the R.

Catherine A. Winn said...

I'm totally involved because I'm worried about her and the man in the hoodie. The hook about the parents sort of jolted me out of the "now" time tension. It's a great hook but I wonder if it would work even better later.

VR Barkowski said...

Well done, you. I have to agree, great hook and foreshadowing. I not only want to know who the man is, I want to know why her parents disappeared. This is an outstanding opening page.

Tiana said...

Well done! You nicely tie in quite a few plot lines without doing a dump. I would definitely keep reading. :)

Jai Joshi said...

Owww, great hook! I like the visual of a man in red on the track while the girls are training. There's something chilling about it.

Jai

Roland D. Yeomans said...

You hooked me from the start and you never let me as a reader go. An agent would be impressed I am sure.

Thank you for the kind words about my own first page and my first line.

Have a healing weekend, Roland

Christina Lee said...

GOOD STUFF!!!!! Now I'm thinking about red hoodies! ;-)

Kris said...

Tara - thanks for commenting on my first page, so I thought I'd come over and return the favor! Nice work! I like the Kasia and feel her nerves. I'm wondering who hoodie-man is and whether he's a good guy or not. I take it she's a regular on the track? Would she notice the guy who the other girls are giggling over in a bit more detail? It sounds like he's a regular too.

I'm hooked wondering if she's trying to solve her parents disappearance, fearful of her own safety, or something else. Good job!

Kristin said...

Oh, I love this! I'm concerned for her and would read on to see what happens.

Bryan Sabol said...

Plain and simple: I'm hooked.

Nice!!

Lilah Pierce said...

Great ending!! I have to be honest, I wasn't SO interested through the first part, but that last part would definitely have me reading more.

Also, thank you for your feedback, and feel free to join me in my Last Line Blogfest - details on my site.

maybe genius said...

*shudder* Nice depiction of a common fear in women, but with the added element that fuels the character's paranoia even further.

Kelly R. Morgan said...

It was your second sentence that hooked me =) From that point, I'm reading to find out why she feels like she's always being watched, especially as she goes on to do pretty routine things like running. Nice twist at the end to keep the suspense going.

Lola Sharp said...

Oh Tara-girl, you reworked this perfectly. It was good before, but this is excellent. You have your first page, the hooks have reeled me in!

Happy Easter, luv.

~Lola

Alicia J. Frey said...

Nice opening. I especially like the hook at the end of it, pulls me back for more.

Also, you have a prize on my blog. Can't tell you what it is - you'll have to swing by and pick it up. :-)

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

great hook there at the end. I might have chalked it up to her own paranoia, if not for the fact hthat something mysterious has already happened. definitely makes me want to read more.

Iapetus999 said...

I sometimes get chased by dogs when running. It's not a pleasant experience.
I was confused because you use "track" and "path" which to me are two different things.
I'm not sure the "body chilled" works for me...that's really hard to do. Maybe she speeds up?
I know that when I run, I try to get in a "zone" where I lose touch with my surroundings. I'm thinking that seeing someone suspicious would drop me out of that zone, impact my breathing, pace, and heart rate. Consider having her check her heart rate monitor and it shoots up or something.
And I don't think I've ever seen a jogger giggle. It's really hard to do actually if you're working.
But the story part is good...I definitely want to know what happened to her parents. My gut is telling me that the man in red isn't a bad guy but he's a Herald of some kind, and he's going to deliver her some interesting news...
Nice job!

Crystal said...

Very intriguing, Tara! I like the suspense and I'm eager to find out just who, if anyone, is following Kasia. Also, the last line works quite well in stirring up more questions for the reader . . . makes you really want to find out what happens next! Great job! :)

Abby Annis said...

Awesome hook! Great job! :)

Jamie Burch said...

Great opening! I am honestly hooked!!!

Callie Forester said...

I really liked your opening. I do a lot of critiquing and this is one of the cooler openings I've read. great hook and your character already has a voice. Nice job.

If you're ever interested in getting a critique of the full chapter, I belong to a group called, www.chimeracritiques.com We accept submissions for critique--that's how I know Kelly--because I got to critique her first chapter, which was awesome.

It's a lot of fun to see what other people are working on and we all think it builds our own writing skills to critique a lot.

Anyway, just thought I'd offer. I'm Callie by the way, I write YA. :) Nice to "meet" you.