Internal Conflict Blogfest
The Alliterative Allomorph is hosting the Internal Conflict Blogfest. Check out the other participants through that link. I'm betting this will be a superb one!
I'm doing something a little different this go round. I do monthly writing exercises at the Compuserve Forum and am going to use the one we did for December. It was an SOC (stream of conscious) exercise, probably one of my favorite X's of all time. This is very much in the moment, no real sentence structure, grammar not so great. But the two scenes this brought about - I love.
The first SOC is MC Kasia; the second, her husband Jake. At this point in time they are having some major internal conflicts - both about her job in the FBI (dealing with sex traffickers), but in a different ways.
Boots. Next time I am wearing boots, not sneakers. My toes are numb for Gods sake. It's so damn cold here. And dark. Why did this have to be the middle of winter, in the woods, in Russia? You could be at a stadium right now. Warm, watching your hot husband amaze thousands of people. What were you thinking? It's hard to run in all these clothes. So many trees. God if I don't run us smack into a tree before we make it to the car I'll be lucky. So dark. Come on Natasha, keep up girl. So short, her legs make her slow. God, if I have to...Shit. Where is the sob? More important where's the gun pointed. Her. I see you now sob. You've got it pointed at her. Where are you [P]. Handel didn't pick you for me because you're a bad partner. Yeah, like I'm gonna drop my gun. Keep dreaming sob. Self preservtion is drilled into us. I have to come first, no way I'm losing the gun. I have a job to do whether she lives or dies. Short, she's short. You can't let her die and you know it. The gun''s pointed at her head. Do it now Kasia. Oh God. Jake's gonna be pissed. If I live, he is going to kill me for this. I've got at least a foot on her and he definitely has it pointed at her head. I have a jacket she has nothing. Jake's going to freak. Please let me live for him to freak. Where the hell are you [P] Shoot him. If I die, Jake will kill you instead. You know if he had a clear shot he'd have taken it. Calm down, he's here. He always here. Best partner ever. She's short, definitely enough difference. Do it now, and if [P's] here, and your lucky, he'll get his shot off first. Ouch. Sh!t. Oh my god. That hurt, that really fuckin' hurt. But I'm good, I was right. And that sob is dead. [P] got him. I knew he would. Would have been nice if he got his shot off first. This is going to leave a huge mark. Jake is going to kill me.
I'll pretend it didn't happen. But it did. Jesus, she could be dead. How many times I have I said that to her. When will I be enough. I would have killed him for you, do you know that? I am the man that you want me to be, but I don't know how much longer I can be. It's so hard. I'm not that weak. I'm not that strong. Dead—for real dead. This is the only time she's all mine. Here, now. I can keep her safe now. But Isaac will call, there's always another girl. Damn Isaac. Damn Luka. Damn all of those girls. Everyone needs her. I need her. She's mine. Some isn't enough. She knows me too well, owns me. Knows exactly what to give me, what to say to make it all go away. I will own her. One day she'll let me. But not until they go away. They need her. I need her. All of her. Mine. She could be dead. But she can't save them all. And I can't protect her. I'm going to give her something to take care of. Something of her own that she can't let go. Proof. One day. She's going to let me. She has to. I need her more. I'm home. She's so warm. Alive. This time.